Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’

Free Haircuts

May 13th, 2009 No comments

Barbershop by Trondheim ByarkivOne day, a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies,

‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,

‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a university professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,

‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen different books, such as ‘How to Improve Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a hair-cut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,

‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’

The MP is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free hair-cut.

Barbershop picture by Trondheim Byarkiv, used under Creative Commons Licence

Thanks for the advice (not)

December 19th, 2008 No comments

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year…

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program …..

Or, I’ll receive it from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

And I don’t go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5.30pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Never underestimate the power of Engineers

December 18th, 2008 No comments

Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten sales people and one engineer.

Since the rope was not strong enough to hold them all, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others. They couldn’t decide who should be the volunteer.

Finally, the engineer said that he would let go of the rope, since engineers are used to doing everything for the company. They forsake their family, don’t claim their expenses, and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return.

When he finished his moving speech, all of the sales people began to clap.

Moral: Never underestimate the powers of an engineer.

OAPs having fun

February 20th, 2008 No comments

Parking Ticket (from iStockPhoto)From the Inbox:

“Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes but when we came out there was a warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, ‘Come on mate, how about giving an OAP a break?’

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a s**t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired, it’s important at our age.”

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NHS Online Waiting Time

February 15th, 2008 No comments

Nice to see that the NHS webservers reflect the real-life experience:

NHS Waiting
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The Scottish Biscuits

January 30th, 2008 No comments

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula…..

‘F**k off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

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Stork Theory

October 28th, 2007 No comments

Love this one…

from the Institute for Stork Research and Science
Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of Sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the world’s leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

  1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.
  2. The alleged human fetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.
  3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.
  4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.
  5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.
  6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.
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Kiss Me Hardy!

July 26th, 2007 Comments off

Nelson:”Order the signal, Hardy.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledegook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘ England ‘ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Read more…

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Airline Cabin Announcements

May 22nd, 2007 Comments off

Airline cabin announcements. All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:
Read more…

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Which Vista Version to choose?

April 3rd, 2007 No comments

Don’t know which version of Microsoft Windows Vista to choose? Take a look at JoyOfTech’s recommendation.

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